Quick Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

Definitions

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both, ultimately, result in death.

OLE & LENA

Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high-speed golf ball ........right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he takes himself to the doctor. He asks, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancé, Lena, is still a wirgin - in every vay."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your 'Willie' in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, however." He then takes four tongue depressors and forms a neat little 4-sided splint, and tapes it all together . . . quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena. He marries her, and they go on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts and says, "You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez."

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, . . . . "Look at dis, ..still in da CRATE!"

What A Coincidence!

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

Politically WHAT!

Classic Jewish Humor You may remember (if you're old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are some examples:

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says,'Are you comfortable?' The man says, 'I make a good living.'

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? 'Honey, I'm home!'

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.' Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'

Doctor: 'You'll live to be 60!'Patient: 'I AM 60!'
Doctor: 'See! What did I tell you?'

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, 'Doc, how do I stand?' The doctor answers 'That's what puzzles me!'

Patient: 'I have a ringing in my ears.' Doctor: 'Don't answer!'
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.'The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.'

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, 'Give me $10 till payday.' The Jewish fellow responded, 'When's payday?'
The bum said, 'I don't know! You're the one that's working!'

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is "Not Now".

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?A: Alcohol
interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called 'Debbie Does Dishes.'

5 Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdales.

7. A man called his mother in Florida:'Mom, how are you?' 'Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've been very weak.' The son said, 'Why are you so weak?' She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?'
The mother answered. 'Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 'What part is it? The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) 'Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Now I KNOW wheree my problem lies!

AT LAST, ERROR MESSAGES WE CAN ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called PJ the computer guy, to come over.

Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?'

Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down.

... I D 1 0 T ...

I used to like PJ!

Terrorist Attacks

Da guyz dat publish dem noosepapers is plenty smart

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[Somebody's learnt something from George W Bush!! See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures[Who would have thought!]Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge[He probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks[Do they taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone to whom you want to bring a smile (Maybe even a chuckle).

Wrong email??

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston. A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

----------------------------------------------------------------

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have arrived!

-------------------------------------

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS . It sure is hot down here!

The Pigs Have It. Hmmmmmm

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure re when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves t o
death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head of f.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these
crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to,
maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone !

(and God love that pig!)

Weird or what

If someone knows how this works I would be interested to know.

http://www.milaadesign.com/wizardy.html

Things that make you say 'OH MY GOD!'

Proof the Irish discovered Africa

Great Optical Illusions

How quickly years pass

A Senior Moment

Thank You for All Your Emails Throughout the Year

To all my Friends,

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year ...

I must send my thanks to all those who sent me the email about rat crap being found in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now scrub the hell out of the top top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl named Penny Brown, who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. Even though I no longer have any money, it will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

The senior bank clerk in Nigeria has assured me that he will split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died interstate.

I no longer have to worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. -- Thank God.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

After all those years of diligently kneeling and say my prayers, I have finally learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a body guard along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number that causes me to get a phone bill with enormous charges for calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found under the car because there's probably a sex molester waiting underneath who will grab my leg and molest me.

If I could offer some advice for all the words of wisdom I have received from you. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's gay beautician.

And, by the way ... a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late and don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Sincerely,

Your Friend

Watch Hotel Expose

Booked your holiday yet then?????



Video:
Expose from Atlanta local station.
http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1329217643/bctid1329232712

No Nativity Scene at Congress this year!

There will be no Nativity Scene in the United State Congress, this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's Capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

PC Christmas Greeting

To All My Democrat Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

THOUGHTS of REMEMBRANCE DAY

When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....

...to listen to his son whine about being bored.

...to keep a straightface when people complain about potholes.

...to be tolerant of people who complain about the hassle of getting ready for work.


When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....

...to be understanding when someone complains about a bad night's sleep.

....to be silent when people pray to God for a new car.

...to control his frustration when his wife tells him he needs to drive more carefully.

When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard ....

...to be grateful that he fights for freedom of speech.

...to be compassionate when someone complains about the quality of airport service.
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....

...to keep from smiling when anxious parents say they're afraid to send their kids off to summer camp.

...to keep from ridiculing someone who complains about what to wear in hot weather.

When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....

...to control his frustration when a colleague gripes about his coffee being cold.

...to remain calm when his daughter complains about having to walk the dog.


When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....

...to be civil to people who complain their jobs are to hard.

...to just walk away when someone says they only get three weeks of vacation a year.

...to be happy for a friend's new hot tub.


When a soldi er comes home, he finds it hard....

...to be forgiving when someone says how hard it is to have a new baby in the house.

....not to punch a wall when someone s ays we should pull out immediately. One thing every soldier knows...

The only thing harder than being a Soldier...

... is loving one.

A gentle reminder to keep your life in perspective. Remember those who have given their lives and when you meet one of our returning soldiers, remember what they have been through for you. Show them compassion and tolerance.

"Lord, grant those who have given their lives for us a place by your side. For those in harms way hold them in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need."

"Amen."