Wannabee Entrepreneurs
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in New York. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign says, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to be sure to his pal, "When we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune with stock like that. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my truck and ...."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"
The owner says, "This is a Dry Cleaner's."
Weight Loss
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from f**kin' skippin", the Irishman said.
Good diversity moment...
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thingled to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in andout of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't> place where he knows her from, So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery.
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."
SMART AR$E$
Some fun to break up your working day:
SMART AR$ED ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART AR$ED ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART AR$ED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
SMART AR$ED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said. The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART AR$ED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"
SMART AR$ED WINNER
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ar$ed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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