Thank You for All Your Emails Throughout the Year

To all my Friends,

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year ...

I must send my thanks to all those who sent me the email about rat crap being found in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now scrub the hell out of the top top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl named Penny Brown, who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. Even though I no longer have any money, it will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

The senior bank clerk in Nigeria has assured me that he will split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died interstate.

I no longer have to worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. -- Thank God.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

After all those years of diligently kneeling and say my prayers, I have finally learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a body guard along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number that causes me to get a phone bill with enormous charges for calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found under the car because there's probably a sex molester waiting underneath who will grab my leg and molest me.

If I could offer some advice for all the words of wisdom I have received from you. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's gay beautician.

And, by the way ... a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late and don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Sincerely,

Your Friend