X-RATED RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

________

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

________

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
________

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

________

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
________

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

________

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

________

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
________

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

________

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.
________

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?

A. About three inches.

________

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.

________

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

________

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

________

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

________

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

________

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

________

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

________

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

________

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

________

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch!

________

OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.

Hamster Suspense

Watch the Google Version

Women Driver Awards

Cluedo - New Version

You Are What You Eat

German Coastguard

Watch the Google Version

Tommy Cooper Classics

1.Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2.Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key..."

3.A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4.I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5.I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6.My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7.A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8.I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10.Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11.Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12.'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

13.A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there nothing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14.Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15.Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18.Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19.Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20.Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21."You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22.A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23.Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Emergency Service Calls

These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

* * * * * * *

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .

Dispatcher : Excuse me?

Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?

Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

* * * * * * *

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

* * * * * * *

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

* * * * * * *

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

Stupid People

Honour of Stupid People . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On Sainsbury's peanuts --
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On a bar of Dial soap --
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On some Swanson frozen dinners --
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)


= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On Nytol Sleep Aid --
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On most brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On a Japanese food processor --
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On a child's Superman costume --
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

On a Swedish chainsaw --
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to
(maybe even chuckle)...

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

****Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light*****

9 Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from.....?”
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Blair and Brown

Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said, "Gordon, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England."

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Brown

"Well," said Blair, "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside."

"Right PM," said Brown.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood," said Blair.

"Good evening Prime Minister," said the landlord, "two pints of best, coming up."

Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me," said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?"

"Good Lord, no," said the barman.

"It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes."

Ring Any Bells?

Womens loo's

When you have to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women, you smile politely and take your place, it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every one is occupied..... but eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your knickers!!!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your handbag on a door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your knickers, and assume " The Position." In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Position."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment when you reach for, horror or horrors, an empty toilet paper dispenser.

Your thighs start to shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your handbag which is now burning your neck and shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled 'used' tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door and because the latch doesn't work it hits your head which is bent over from holding the hanging handbag, and you start to topple backward. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just retrieved with your index finger into an unknown puddle on the floor.......if that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether and gravity pullsyou down ...... down ..... directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet, of course, you bolt up knowing all too well that it's too late.

Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form that lives on the uncovered seat. By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose into the bowl which sprays a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs along with the various life forms and down into your dishevelled knickers which have now dropped down to your ankles. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe yourself with a piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the taps [new obviously from bath-store.com/martha's whatever], so you run your hands underneath it grateful for the 2 drops there, then around the basin itself. You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where of course there are no paper towels so you move over to the hand blower, which, yes you've guessed it, also doesn't work.

You are no longer able to smile politely to the women but there is an unspoken understanding between you all. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the Men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also finally explains to the men what really does take so long and also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the loo in pairs.

It's so the other one can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.


The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

Plastic Surgery

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them.

"Well" said the nurse, "the first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

Questions About Australia

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific, which does not.. oh forget it. ..... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we will send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You're a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? ( France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first