Thank You for All Your Emails Throughout the Year
To all my Friends,
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year ...
I must send my thanks to all those who sent me the email about rat crap being found in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now scrub the hell out of the top top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl named Penny Brown, who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. Even though I no longer have any money, it will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
The senior bank clerk in Nigeria has assured me that he will split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died interstate.
I no longer have to worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. -- Thank God.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
After all those years of diligently kneeling and say my prayers, I have finally learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a body guard along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number that causes me to get a phone bill with enormous charges for calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found under the car because there's probably a sex molester waiting underneath who will grab my leg and molest me.
If I could offer some advice for all the words of wisdom I have received from you. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's gay beautician.
And, by the way ... a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late and don't worry, I won't tell anyone.
Sincerely,
Your Friend
Watch Hotel Expose
Booked your holiday yet then?????
Video:
Expose from Atlanta local station.
http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1329217643/bctid1329232712
No Nativity Scene at Congress this year!
There will be no Nativity Scene in the United State Congress, this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's Capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
PC Christmas Greeting
To All My Democrat Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. To My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
THOUGHTS of REMEMBRANCE DAY
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....
...to listen to his son whine about being bored.
...to keep a straightface when people complain about potholes.
...to be tolerant of people who complain about the hassle of getting ready for work.
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....
...to be understanding when someone complains about a bad night's sleep.
....to be silent when people pray to God for a new car.
...to control his frustration when his wife tells him he needs to drive more carefully.
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard ....
...to be grateful that he fights for freedom of speech.
...to be compassionate when someone complains about the quality of airport service.
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....
...to keep from smiling when anxious parents say they're afraid to send their kids off to summer camp.
...to keep from ridiculing someone who complains about what to wear in hot weather.
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....
...to control his frustration when a colleague gripes about his coffee being cold.
...to remain calm when his daughter complains about having to walk the dog.
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....
...to be civil to people who complain their jobs are to hard.
...to just walk away when someone says they only get three weeks of vacation a year.
...to be happy for a friend's new hot tub.
When a soldi er comes home, he finds it hard....
...to be forgiving when someone says how hard it is to have a new baby in the house.
....not to punch a wall when someone s ays we should pull out immediately. One thing every soldier knows...
The only thing harder than being a Soldier...
... is loving one.
A gentle reminder to keep your life in perspective. Remember those who have given their lives and when you meet one of our returning soldiers, remember what they have been through for you. Show them compassion and tolerance.
"Lord, grant those who have given their lives for us a place by your side. For those in harms way hold them in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need."
"Amen."
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