Classic Jewish Humor You may remember (if you're old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are some examples:
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says,'Are you comfortable?' The man says, 'I make a good living.'
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? 'Honey, I'm home!'
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.' Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'
Doctor: 'You'll live to be 60!'Patient: 'I AM 60!'
Doctor: 'See! What did I tell you?'
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, 'Doc, how do I stand?' The doctor answers 'That's what puzzles me!'
Patient: 'I have a ringing in my ears.' Doctor: 'Don't answer!'
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.'The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.'
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, 'Give me $10 till payday.' The Jewish fellow responded, 'When's payday?'
The bum said, 'I don't know! You're the one that's working!'
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is "Not Now".
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?A: Alcohol
interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called 'Debbie Does Dishes.'
5 Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdales.
7. A man called his mother in Florida:'Mom, how are you?' 'Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've been very weak.' The son said, 'Why are you so weak?' She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?'
The mother answered. 'Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 'What part is it? The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) 'Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied.
13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Politically WHAT!
Da guyz dat publish dem noosepapers is plenty smart
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[Somebody's learnt something from George W Bush!! See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures[Who would have thought!]Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge[He probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks[Do they taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone to whom you want to bring a smile (Maybe even a chuckle).
THOUGHTS of REMEMBRANCE DAY
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....
...to listen to his son whine about being bored.
...to keep a straightface when people complain about potholes.
...to be tolerant of people who complain about the hassle of getting ready for work.
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....
...to be understanding when someone complains about a bad night's sleep.
....to be silent when people pray to God for a new car.
...to control his frustration when his wife tells him he needs to drive more carefully.
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard ....
...to be grateful that he fights for freedom of speech.
...to be compassionate when someone complains about the quality of airport service.
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....
...to keep from smiling when anxious parents say they're afraid to send their kids off to summer camp.
...to keep from ridiculing someone who complains about what to wear in hot weather.
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....
...to control his frustration when a colleague gripes about his coffee being cold.
...to remain calm when his daughter complains about having to walk the dog.
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....
...to be civil to people who complain their jobs are to hard.
...to just walk away when someone says they only get three weeks of vacation a year.
...to be happy for a friend's new hot tub.
When a soldi er comes home, he finds it hard....
...to be forgiving when someone says how hard it is to have a new baby in the house.
....not to punch a wall when someone s ays we should pull out immediately. One thing every soldier knows...
The only thing harder than being a Soldier...
... is loving one.
A gentle reminder to keep your life in perspective. Remember those who have given their lives and when you meet one of our returning soldiers, remember what they have been through for you. Show them compassion and tolerance.
"Lord, grant those who have given their lives for us a place by your side. For those in harms way hold them in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need."
"Amen."
T-bone Steaks, Yellow Roses & Friendship
I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 57 years was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.
He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands.
He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.
Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two.
Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.
Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket.. hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.
She saw me watching her and she smiled. "My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know."
I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes.
"My husband passed away eight days ago," I told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. "Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together."
She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away.
I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy. A Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.
I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile! I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.
As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes. "These are for you," she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. "When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for." She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision.
I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer seemed so clear. I wasn't alone.
Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.
Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.
*****************************************
(Please read all of this, it is really nice) This is a simple request. If you appreciate life, send this to your friends.
Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings. Thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.
Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as
long as possible.
Thank you, Lord , that I can see. Many are blind.
Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising.
Thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.
Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned, tempers are short, and my children are so loud.
Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.
Even though our breakfast table never looks like the picture in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced.
Thank you, Lord, for the food we have. There are many who are hungry.
Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous.
Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.
Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest.
Thank you, Lord, for life.
*****************************************
Pass this on to the friends you know. It might help a bit to make this world a better place to live, right? A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift. A friend is someone to treasure.
For friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our lives with Beauty, Joy and Grace and makes the world we live in a better and happier place.
YOU ARE MY FRIEND!
God bless you and yours.
Now send this to every friend you have and don't forget me.
Blind Pilots
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Complaint to Police
Here's a thought for all the Embra dwellers on the service your boys in blue / black / yellow provide. True email sent to the force, lengthy but absolutely brilliantly written.....
Anonymous correspondence from a member of the public
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. After replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant ?????????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reply from Police:
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ??? ?????????????
Community Beat Officer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reply from Complainer:
Dear PC ?????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards
???????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.
Epicentre: Rotherham, England.
News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookinhell" and "chuffinnorah".
The flood decimated the town, causing £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio station RotherFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Rotherham . One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerremy Kyle the next morning". Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.
So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.
Can You Help?
Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the
victims of this disaster. Clothing is needed most of all, especially:
· Fila or Burberry baseball caps
· Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
· Shell suits (female)
· White sports socks
· Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark
Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference.
Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or
Special Brew are ideal.
Please do not give anything that requires peeling.
Remember:
· 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims
· £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9
· £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves
Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells
Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will
cause residents to beleive they have been forcebly relocated to Doncaster
De Da
NEVER SAY TO A COP:
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realise my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee, your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
The Meaning of Life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For
this, will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
lifespan."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" and
God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
give you a lifespan of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And
God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Bad Joke? You decide!
St Peter and St Paul are standing at the Pearly Gates, when Pavarotti comes up.
St Peter says to St Paul "Here's that tenor I owe you"
Priest In Airport Customs
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T! "
"Don't what? " Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! "
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why ? "
"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "
God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked !
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? " God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you? " said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it ! " Adam said.
"Did not ! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop ...
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry''s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says "fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
Moments later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says "and I''m never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding.
Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was... CELEBRATE!!!"
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Sisters of St. Francis
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds
himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
When God Made Police Officers
When the Lord was creating Police Officers, he was well in to his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around with this one.”
The Lord said, “Have you seen the specs on this order”? A police officer has to be able to run five miles through alley ways in the dark, scale walls, enter homes that the health inspector wouldn’t touch, and not wrinkle his uniform.”
“He has to be able to sit in an undercover car all day on a stakeout, cover a homicide scene that night, canvass the neighbourhood for witnesses, and give evidence in court the next day.”
“He has to be in top physical condition at all times, running on black coffee and half-eaten meals, and he has to have six pairs of hands.”
The angel shook her head slowly and said, “six pairs of hands…….no way.”
“It’s not the hands that are causing me the problems,” said the Lord, “It’s the three pairs of eyes an officer has to have.”
“That’s on a standard model?” asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. “One pair that sees through a bulge in a pocket before he asks, “May I see what’s in there sir?” (When he already knows and wishes he had taken the accountancy job.)
“Another pair here in the side of his head for his partner’s safety. And another pair here in the front that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and tell them that everything is going to be O.K when he knows it isn’t so.
“Lord,” said the angel, touching his sleeve, “rest and work on this tomorrow.”
“I can’t.” said the Lord, “I already have a model that can talk a 19 stone drunk in to the back of his patrol car without incident and can support a family of five on a civil servant’s salary.
The angel circled the model of the police officer very slowly, “can it think?” she asked.
“You bet,” said the Lord. “It can tell you the points to prove for a hundred crimes, recite definitions in its sleep, detain, investigate, search and arrest a gang member on the street faster than it takes five learned judges to debate the legality of the stop…….and still it keeps its sense of humour.”
“This officer also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with crime scenes painted in hell, coax a confession from a child abuser, comfort a murder victim’s family, and then read in the daily papers how law enforcement isn’t sensitive to the rights of criminal suspects.”
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the police officer. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told you that you were trying to fit too much into this model.”
“That’s not a leak,” said the Lord, “It’s a tear.”
“What’s the tear for?” asked the angel.
“It’s for bottled up emotions they think they can’t show for relationships sacrificed for the job.”
“You’re a genius” said the angel.
The Lord looked sombre. “I didn’t put it there,” he said.
The Student
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well!!
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
Water vs Wine
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
So in conclusion; it is better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh1t!
(There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm sending it as a public service.)
