Now I KNOW wheree my problem lies!

AT LAST, ERROR MESSAGES WE CAN ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called PJ the computer guy, to come over.

Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?'

Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down.

... I D 1 0 T ...

I used to like PJ!

What Gender Is A Computer?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Women - you've got to love them...

Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer.

A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked,
"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.

I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car, which had the hood up and asked,

"Is there a 710 on this car?

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

Computer Exercises

Can't Work Today

Just Before You Fly Out.....

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny … (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last…

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

IT Problems

---------- Original message ----------
From: John Smith <johnsmith@myorganisation.co.uk>
Date: Jul 28, 2007 11:45 AM
Subject: Printer Problem
To: IT Hinder Desk <it_hinderdesk@myorganisation.co.uk>

Dear IT Department

My Printer does not work any longer

---------------------------------------


---------- Original message ----------
From: IT Hinder Desk <it_hinderdesk@myorganisation.co.uk>
Date: Jul 28, 2007 13:46 PM
Subject: Printer Problem
To: John Smith <johnsmith@myorganisation.co.uk>


What error message did you get?


---------------------------------------


---------- Original message ----------
From: John Smith <johnsmith@myorganisation.co.uk>
Date: Jul 28, 2007 13:47 PM
Subject: Printer Problem
To: IT Hinder Desk <it_hinderdesk@myorganisation.co.uk>

No error message, my mouse is stuck

---------------------------------------


---------- Original message ----------
From: IT Hinder Desk <it_hinderdesk@myorganisation.co.uk>
Date: Jul 28, 2007 14:48 PM
Subject: Printer Problem
To: John Smith <johnsmith@myorganisation.co.uk>

That does not have anything to do with the printer!

---------------------------------------


---------- Original message ----------
From: John Smith <johnsmith@myorganisation.co.uk>
Date: Jul 28, 2007 14:49 PM
Subject: Printer Problem
To: IT Hinder Desk <it_hinderdesk@myorganisation.co.uk>


Just a moment, let me take a photo

---------------------------------------

Do you have all the new computer upgrades?

 

IT SUPPORT

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

What a fab way to explain about the Birds and the Bees!

Sign of the times?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!'"

Underwear is important ...

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back out of site. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools:

WD-40 and Duct Tape.

- If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

- If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

2. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

3. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

4. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan