Definitions

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both, ultimately, result in death.

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear from the female side.

'The rules'

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing'; we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

Which would you choose - Cake or Bed?

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,

"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? it's been flickering for weeks now"

He looks at her and says angrily;

"Fix the light, now? does it look like I have an electricians logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks,

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied,

"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so."

Fine, she says,

"Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps", he says. "Does it look like I have Woodies DIY written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!! "

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey", he asks, "How'd all this get fixed?"

She said,

"Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said,

"So what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied,

"Hellooooo.......do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

One of the best complaint letters ever

This is STRICTLY for the girls - even I do not understand it!
===========================================

TO: MR JAMES THATCHER
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr Thatcher

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behavior. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

"Have a Happy Period."

Are you *+*#*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?

Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?

- Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshine.

And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Because I'm a man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will continue to fiddle
with a coat hanger until long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the RAC
is not an option. I will win.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
supermarket, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items
like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will open the
bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know exactly what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will eventually say to the other, "I used to
be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repairman gets here and has to put it back together.
___________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
programme looking for it.
____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there's no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
honest answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to
make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. And if you're feeling
amorous afterwards....then I'll certainly at least remember the name and
recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.

I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.

Either pair of shoes is fine.

With the belt or without it, looks fine.

Your hair is fine.

You look fine.

Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest ... like
wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
______________________________________________
Because I am a man, I see flat-pack furniture as a challenge to have the
greatest possible number of left over and unused components at the end. If
the assembled furniture doesn't collapse within the hour, this is merely
seen as a bonus.

______________________________________________

Because I am a man, I don't have to ask for directions. Unknown to women,
the penis contains a magnetic homing device enabling men to know exactly
where they are on the Earth's surface at all times. If we do get lost, it's
because our wives have used too much girly fabric conditioner on our
underwear, thereby blocking out the magnetic rays.

______________________________

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

What Gender Is A Computer?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Women - you've got to love them...

Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer.

A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked,
"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.

I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car, which had the hood up and asked,

"Is there a 710 on this car?

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

Thoughts for the day (apply as necessary)

AND REMEMBER:

Good friends are like stars.

You don't always see them but you always know they are there.

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper.

The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

The problems with golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a massage therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

The train was quite crowded ...

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."


The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. "She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should
be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up: "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Divorce the Indian Style

This is from my friend at work Geetha who is Indian but I think it could be anyone's Dad....

After 48 years of marriage, an elderly Sindhi man in Bombay calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says, "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!"

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Bombay immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??" and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "It's all set. They're both coming for Deepavali and paying their own airfare!!"

Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the Grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for Posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening The front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one For us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and A beer."Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

John - The Thoughtful Husband

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Shirley. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Shirley to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). (I like to think tact is one of my strong points.)

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Shirley. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, John


EDITOR'S NOTE:

John died suddenly on April 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Shirley was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that John somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Famous Landmarks

YOU decide!

Subject: So sad Story from Houston Medical Center:

A man went to the ER to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

Now you decide what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Duties of a Wife!!!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a British girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

*******************************************************

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

*******************************************************

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

*******************************************************

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

*******************************************************

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

*******************************************************

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

*******************************************************

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

*******************************************************

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

So True

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with GRAPEFRUIT and mint.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.
If you see your husband /boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, shake willy at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash yourface.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
If you pass girlfriend/ wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING NOW BECAUSE MOST OF IT IS TRUE !

Nuff Said!

 

The Frog & The What?

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

 

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Male readers : Please carry on.. ..... .....

..... ..... The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!


Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

 

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