Wannabee Entrepreneurs
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in New York. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign says, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to be sure to his pal, "When we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune with stock like that. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my truck and ...."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"
The owner says, "This is a Dry Cleaner's."
Weight Loss
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from f**kin' skippin", the Irishman said.
Good diversity moment...
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thingled to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in andout of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't> place where he knows her from, So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery.
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."
SMART AR$E$
Some fun to break up your working day:
SMART AR$ED ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART AR$ED ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART AR$ED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
SMART AR$ED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said. The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART AR$ED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"
SMART AR$ED WINNER
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ar$ed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Blonde Joke
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster, and with a deep sigh he said... "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
REVENGE ON THE TELEMARKETER
Now here is your chance to get your own back
(1)
The three little words: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear BT's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset .... you have efficiently completed your task.
These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2)
Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a "real" salesperson to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering: If you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!
(3)
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk,do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular postage "IF" and when they are returned. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes. Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express ... they might need one! Send a pizza coupon to HSBC ... in case their canteen packs up. You get the idea. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application form ... after all, it is their form!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you return. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all ... you are just returning it!!!!
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks ..... we need to OVERWHELM them, in order to stop them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it ... Twice! Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help them so they will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea! If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- maybe you'll get very little junk mail anymore.
I usually just return the form with the comment "You must have sent this to me by mstake as I did not request it!" I usually just return the form with the comment "You must have sent this to me by mstake as I did not request it!"
THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE MESSAGE THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!
Making a Baby - A Surrogate Father!!!
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted...... ********************************** And not ONE dirty word in it!!!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
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